i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
