Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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