My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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