my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
