arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
