you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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