You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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