just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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