I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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