that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
