I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
