oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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