we have pet lesbian snakes
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
