The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
