I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Randomize
