11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
