I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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