the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
