Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You brought string cheese to the strip club
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
