3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
