shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
