whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
