i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
