I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
