woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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