I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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