what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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