You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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