So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
