he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
