I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
