You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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