I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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