Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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