Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
