Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
