My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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