If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
