Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
