2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Blood and glitter go together right?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
