Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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