i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I got inside last night via doggy door
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
