don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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