those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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