He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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