Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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