we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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