I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
