so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My life is pants optional.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
