Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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