I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have feelings that need drinking.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
