The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
