just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
