omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
